Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
