i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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