please come you make the beer taste better
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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