I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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