There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it's like iHOP with fire
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
