I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
