I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
