hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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