I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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