p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
