If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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