Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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