when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
