Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
