I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
