Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
