Too much gin, very little bucket
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
