I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
