Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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