the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Where is the hickey?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
