Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
