turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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