Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
