Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My vagina just clenched in fear
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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