whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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