She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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