after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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