I accidentally had phone sex last night
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
