ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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