Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
