I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
