U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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