yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
