I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
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I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
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Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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