I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
