why didn't you poke me back
She's JV to your varsity
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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