Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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