listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
