i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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