If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
