this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
