I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
