I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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