I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
