I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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