Soap is not a condiment
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
