I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
