life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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