im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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