I'll bet she douches with gravy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
