Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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