Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
