i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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