Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
