The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
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Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
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I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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