My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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