I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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